Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
