his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
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