I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
