People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
