There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
