we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
