I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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