You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
