Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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