sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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