im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
