mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
