just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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