I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
