She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
