can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
