EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
