She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
