wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
