You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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