Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
