I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
