can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
