Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
