If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
