this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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