Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
