I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is her dick bigger than yours?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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