my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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