The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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