I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
