some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
