I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
