i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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