Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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