You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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