and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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