Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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