Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
