I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize