I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
