On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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