I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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