My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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