So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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