Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
