Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is the high leading the old right now
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
