Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
