how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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