party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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