He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
