i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
