see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
