My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
