oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
