I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
