Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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