if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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