too bad you live with your parents still
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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