You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
