The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Im part way to drunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
